Who accidentally

is brave

Because

I keep reliving

my greatest fear

Day after day

I wake up

I don’t create

I keep digging myself

Into a deeper grave

I can’t live like this

And yet

somehow I do

This vessel

I call a body

Will rust

And decay

And fall apart

And my soul

Will drift

Into the waters

Spoken into existence

All those years ago

And my spirit

Will float

Into the heavens

Where it will

Finally be able to rest

The threads of my mind,

There are thoughts

Lost

Between space

And time

Memories that you'll find

Neatly tucked

Within spiraling loops

Of unworthiness

Being weaved into

The material of

Self love

But still threaded together

By whispers of self doubt

Embroidered into the lining

Of unrealized dreams

And yet

I patch myself together

Even as I’m unraveling

From the seams

Wished

In darkness

That my bones would crumble

And

Become part of the soil again

I listened

To the constant pound

Thud

Thud

Thud

Of my heart

As it fought to get out

Trapped behind my rib cage

To my dismay, the next morning I woke up

And the next

and the next

And the next

So I went back and sat

In that place where I made that wish

And cursed the heavens

For not hearing my prayers

And I cried

And I screamed

And I shook

Until I could

Do nothing

Feel nothing

Be nothing

And in that moment

I swore that taking

A needle

And

A thread

To my brokeness

Would hurt less

Than letting my bones crumble

And

My soul faint with fatigue

I felt my lungs expand

With every breath I took

And imagined the blood within my veins

Taking the only path

It has ever known

I felt my chest

And again confirmed

That my heart

Was still beating applauding

And as I get up and

Place my feet on the ground

I feel it tremble

Under my strength